Yesterday, I had coffee with one of my best friends, which is something we have done nearly every Sunday for several years and at this particular coffee shop for at least two years. Near the end of our time together, three women came and sat immediately next to us with one of them putting her stuff on our table. I shared the following on both Facebook and Threads, curious what other people thought.
Okay…I’m trying to process what happened at coffee this morning. A friend and I have coffee early every Sunday morning. We’ve gone to the same place almost every Sunday for probably two years. We sit in the exact same spot every week. The place is usually empty and quiet, which is partly why we like it. Occasionally, another person will come in and sit somewhere.
This morning, two women came in and sat at the table RIGHT NEXT to us. I could have reached out and touched one of them on the shoulder. This is similar to going into a large, empty men’s room and choosing one of several urinals and having another man come in and choose the one right next to you even though several others are available.
Then, a third woman came in and joined them at their table for two, sitting on the bench space between the tables and right next to me. She put her stuff on our table. This is like another man coming into the bathroom and standing in between the two men at the urinals and putting his hand on the shoulder of the man he doesn’t know.
Now…remember, the rest of the coffee shop was EMPTY. There were like 10,000 empty tables they could have chosen (okay, maybe 12), even tables that would accommodate three or more people where we would have had enough distance to not be listening to one another’s conversations. They talked and laughed loudly enough that it was distracting. (See diagram below).
Help me to understand. I looked for cameras, so I don’t think we were part of a Candid Camera style TV show. I know this sort of thing probably happens in Europe, but in the US, why would someone choose to sit within touching distance of other customers when there is a huge empty area that could have been used?
I don’t get it.
The responses have been nearly as fascinating to me as the original interaction. A day after posting it, there are over 100 comments on Facebook and nearly 200 on Threads and people continue to comment. As a psychologist, I remain curious about the behavior of these women, about my own behavior, and about the responses people offered. Let me suggest a few categories that stood out to me:
Thoughts about the behavior about the women–There was a wide range of hypotheses about why the women acted the way they did. They were described as potentially rude, clueless, crazy, extraverted, aggressive, friendly, potentially flirtatious/interested in one or both of us, or creatures of habit. Some pointed to the human social tendency toward grouping. Several people were curious as to whether there were environmental reasons for their choice, such as proximity to electrical outlets, windows, or the parking lot. A few people wondered about their ages and how that may have been a factor. One friend suggested they may have been priming us to tell us about their cult. Another raised the possibility that they were setting us up to shoplift or scan our phones. My wife believes they were doing their own psychological experiment.
It seemed that most people acknowledged that they also would have been bothered by their behavior. One explanation I read several times was that they may have been their normal place to sit, which is the idea that made the most sense to me, though honestly I may never know for certain.
Thoughts about my behavior–Several people wondered why we just sat there and didn’t move or did not confront the women. Several suggested that I was entitled to think of it as my space. One person called me graceless, telling me I violated the principles of love and peace. One woman on Threads basically basically told me to shut up and leave the women alone and then deleted her comment. Another suggested that my masculinity is fragile.
Honestly, I think I did nothing because the encounter was so outside of my norm I was flummoxed. I also admitted that I tend to be conflict avoidant and did not want to make a scene. It is definitely something to continue reflecting on, and to think about how I might respond in the future.
Thoughts about how to respond–There was such a huge variety about how to respond ranging from passive to aggressive. Some asked why it bothered me and to just sit there and celebrate being free. Many people suggested picking up and moving to another table, sometimes without comment, though others thought I definitely should have said something or maybe picked up their stuff and brought it with us to a different table. Some thought we should join their conversation. There were a surprising number of people, presumably jokingly, suggesting using rude words or behaviors to drive them away. Several people said “I would have done it this way,” and then proceeded to suggest a course of action (e.g., asking them why they sat so close).
I found myself wondering if the people offering these suggestions would actually do these things. I know that for me, it is often true that what I may think is the ideal behavior in a situation is not always what I actually choose to do.
There was also a small number of people who essentially said, “You are a psychologist, why are you asking us to comment on other peoples’ behavior?” I wrote to one person that I do not possess all knowledge about people and that I find conversation and dialog with others who view things differently to be beneficial.
“Me too” responses–The “me too” responses were some of my favorites. People shared (often humorous) examples of ways in which others have encroached on their space, whether at a coffee shop, in a movie theater, in a parking lot, on a beach, or at a comedy club. Two of my favorites include one woman who had an elderly couple doing naked yoga right next to her on an empty beach and another woman who was sitting with her spouse in an empty comedy club and being asked to move to a different spot by a couple who wanted their seats. People obviously related to what I wrote about.
There was a subset of these responses from women who pointed out that this sort of things happens to them frequently and that it was good to turn the tables. I could not agree more. I am appreciative of their words as well as the opportunity to reflect on what this must be like for many of them.
Comments about my assumptions about Europe–In the second to last paragraph, I made the off-handed comment that “this sort of thing probably happens in Europe.” Several people, especially on Threads challenged my statement, while others agreed with me. One of my favorite tongue-in-cheek responses came from a friend in Greece who commented, “I thought in the US, you just put your revolver on the table next to you, giving them a look and they get the message.”
What I recognized was that I homogenized an entire continent with vastly different people. It challenged me to ask how I arrived at my conclusion and recognizing that I formed a stereotype with incomplete information, which is typical of stereotypes we all hold. I am also aware that we all brought our own cultural biases into how we understood this situation. The challenge, for me at least, is to step outside of my conditioning in order to understand how others may see it.
Overall, I found it be a fascinating opportunity for self-reflection. Why was it so bothersome to me? Why did I not get up and move, or even ask them about their behavior? What assumptions do I have about “normal” behavior and how does my culture influence those assumptions? Where did my stereotypic assumptions about Europeans come from and why? Am I able to learn from others by hearing their stories and putting myself in their shoes?
Jason Kanz 