Tag: true self

Pharaoh’s son

~ Jason Kanz ~ Leave a comment 
I once had a pastor tell me, 
"I know your problem; 
You lack courage,"
though it was clear he misunderstood.  
I was setting out on a journey  
into an unknown desert,  
leaving behind all of the things 
that fed my false selves 
the influence,  
the accolades,  
the security,  
the easy community,  
the utterly familiar. 
I walked away from the promise 
of being Pharaoh's son 
because I could not do otherwise.  
I ventured into the desert 
of darkness 
of uncertainty 
of loneliness 
of suffering 
of death 
because the only way to find myself 
was to lose myself.

take risks and love big

~ Jason Kanz ~ Leave a comment

Beloved, be committed to my kingdom, knowing that I am committed to you. Take risks, and love big. Yes, you may fail, but I am delighted when you are acting out of love for my Son. Here is the thing, I know you will not be perfect. No one is. Too many people are afraid to risk vulnerability or try new things because they are worried about my disapproval. I have given you a vibrant life. You are uniquely you, but you are not investing in love when you hide from me, others, or even from yourself. I always welcome your true self, warts and all. I want you to come and dance, even if you step on a few toes. The blessing is in the journey, not the accomplishment. I want you to show up and live.

Luke 19:24-27
Letters to the Beloved

Love After Love

~ Jason Kanz ~ Leave a comment

This poem, Love After Love by Derek Walcott, is one of my favorites.

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Are you self-controlled?

~ Jason Kanz ~ Leave a comment

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control–Galatians 5:22-23

Lately, I have been thinking about Paul’s last descriptor of the fruit of the Holy Spirit in our lives, self-control. I don’t really like that one. Maybe it is because it sometimes seems out of place with regard to the rest of the descriptors. More than likely, however, it is the character trait that seems most underdeveloped in my life. Perhaps those who know me well would suggest that all of them are equally underdeveloped. Part of the reason I don’t like the notion of self-control, at least as I have historically understood it is that, more than the other descriptors, I have come to believe that self-control is entirely dependent upon me. The way I have interpreted Paul’s words is that self-control is developed through sheer force of will. At face value, “self” means me and “control” means the ability to follow through on my intention. More crudely, I have interpreted this as “Jason, get your @#@!! together!” Maybe you have had the same struggle.

But I have found myself asking, what if I am starting from the wrong premise? What if self-control is not about trying to force my will into compliance? What if God is not waiting for me to stop sinning? What if instead, Paul was saying that my true identity in the Spirit already encompasses all of these things? In fact, in the context of the whole letter, I believe that is exactly what Paul was saying. Paul reminds us that we were already set free and we were called to lives of freedom. When you are gritting your teeth and trying to will yourself to behave, do you feel free? I know that I don’t.

What would change if instead of looking at Paul’s descriptors of a fruitful life as a list of dos and don’ts, we began to understand that those traits are already present and growing in us? How would we live differently if we began to think about being self-controlled as living from our true selves, from our core identity as God’s beloved children? I know that for me, when the message that I am already fully loved by God penetrates my heart, I am more able to relax into my true self. And from that place, those things like patience, love, and gentleness begin to emerge, not only toward others, but toward myself as well.