In places across the United States and Canada this summer, we received frequent air quality warnings because of the massive Canadian wildfires. On the bad days, the smoke was visible in the air. Lungs and eyes burned if we spent much time outside. Other days, the air looked better, but the warnings still came. Breathing the toxic air isn’t good for any of us, but those with compromised lungs were especially at risk.
Throughout my life, my relationship with food has been inconsistent. I meet diagnostic criteria for binge eating disorder, which means I have periods in which I feel out of control and will eat a much larger amount of unhealthy food than most people would in a similar time frame (6000+ calories in a day). When I am eating poorly, my body feels terrible, but when I consistently make healthier food choices, I feel much better. The toxicity of sugar has been a real thing for me and I function better–physically and mentally–if I avoid sweets altogether. Some people have no problem regulating their intake of sugar; I’m not one of them.
But toxicity can also affect our relationships. Some people fail to respect our boundaries. The way some people engage in sarcasm, name calling, and bitterness can cause our minds and bodies to react in unhealthy ways. Sometimes, we do not recognize these triggers, we just know we don’t feel right. And, to be clear, this is about more than simple difference of opinion; rather, it is the manner in which those opinions are carried and expressed.
I think it is good and healthy for us to engage with people who think and believe differently than we do. In disagreement, I’ve often utilized the 3 questions1: 1) What do you mean by that?, 2) How did you come to that conclusion?, and 3) Is it possible I’m wrong? I have learned a lot from others who have believed differently than I have, particularly when we both come with curiosity and humility.
However, we sometimes come to believe that we must associate with everyone who would have us as friends. Christians hear that Jesus met with lots of people with whom he disagreed, so we should do the same (he also told his disciples to be willing to shake the dust from their feet)2. We also hear that if we set boundaries in relationships that we may drive people away from Jesus, risking their eternal souls, so we should accept poor behavior with a smile. Last week, in counseling, I used the phrase “pathological niceness” to describe what seems to be an unhealthy way of relating–entirely ignoring ourselves while sacrificing our own needs to others. We disregard what our bodies tell us because we are supposed to be “nice.”
But here’s the thing: we cannot be friends with everyone, though we can be respectful. We can be close with only a handful of people. Like our food, like our air, it is wise to ask if our primary relational inputs are healthy or toxic. Are the people whose voices are the strongest nourishing us, both when they are encouraging us and when they are challenging us? Toxic relationships not only harm our self-image, but also impair our ability to relate with others in a healthy way. In contrast, beneficial relationships are life-giving and make us better.
Jason Kanz 